Daily Post

The question of my integrity is a huge regret to me, I am misunderstood and judged by the exterior. 

Daily I attempt to makeover the outside of me, so that it is understood completely and reflects my interior.

I am flawed in most ways, but mistakes I make are never intentional, My entire life I really strive to be conventional.

Wrenches get thrown in my plans as roadblocks, and change the story written with beautiful calligraphy. 

Eraser marks, scratchouts, and white out, cover the best parts of me.

If I could turn myself inside out I would be sick, but maybe it will earn my self worth.

My goals come with stipulations regardless of how hard I work, because of my past.

I guess maybe we won’t last, you feel the pain everyday and its nothing I can do. The worst part is I love you.I don’t know how I can fix things, I just wish my heart, feelings, reasoning and intention mattered. I get it though pain hurts the exterior and interior.

2017

I welcome you with open arms,

And I pray you are good to me;

I’ll be good to me and you.

I’ve pondered upon resolutions,

But I’ve yet to list them.

I want to become closer to God.

Quit smoking cold turkey,

Open a checking/savings account,

Find a new job

With more prestige and pay

Become closer to my family

Get married

Conceive a child

Buy a house

This year began in a storm,

But it ended with a rainbow.

January 2016 I resided in a hotel

I took the bus to work

I did not groom well

I was fired from a job

By the end of the year

I bought a car

I found an apartment 

I began to self groom

And I have a steady job

I remain humble and thankful

I pray that I perservere consistently 

I pray that 2017 brings joy,

Prosperity, decisiveness, 

Humbleness, and success.

2017 I pray for better days.

Welcome. 

Pretending to be perfect

Life- a delicacy that I am dedicated to saving. Every morning I wake up groggy, but thankful. I spent so much time pretending to be perfect, I fooled myself; I entertained others. I fell apart and I hit rock bottom, I am rising up, but one wrong move and all my accomplishments could crumble.I move closer to the finish line anticipating roadblocks,and the anxiety I struggle with overpowers my destiny. Pretending to be perfect,  attempting to cover every flaw left me ashamed and hopeless, defeated by every attack. As I open my eyes and seek to be found, antagonizing thoughts bring me back to the ground. I am stronger now, I am built for the battle, I pretended to be perfect, but I am weak.I know the Lord works through weakness though, So I pray for guidance, the ability to endure hard times, and better days. Oh, Lord, I pray you keep your hands on me. Lord keep your hands on my family and friends. I no longer pretend to be perfect because I know I will never be. Lord I ask that you guide me through 2017. I love you and I need you Lord. In Jesus’name I pray, Amen. Our Father which art in heaven,  hollow be thy name, thy kingdom come,  thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For, Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory. Forever. Amen.

​Who will take care of you when you are old? Will it be your children, family, or friends? I doubt it! Nine times out of ten your daily care will be provided by a non medical caregiver. In Assisted Living communities and Home Health Agencies caregivers are who aging people depend on to maintain the quality of there lives.Caregivers assist the elderly and disabled with activities of daily living and much more. Although caregivers assume great responsibilities, they are under paid, and taken for granted.

Most caregivers either take their positions out of true passion for helping others, or because they do not qualify for prestigious positions. Nevertheless, their position is just as important as any other. If everyone had a degree, or some certificate that qualifies them a few extra dollars, who would be a caregiver? Most caregivers make less than ten dollars an hour, and I’d like to see a show of hands of people with degrees who would be willing to accept that wage – Oh, no hands?

Caregivers are taken for granted. If it weren’t for them there would be less elderly people who could stay in their homes. Also, Assisted Living Communities would go out of business, because their would be no staff willing to do the dirty work! The Nurses, Executive directors, Secretaries, or even the cook will not be there to wipe your parents shitty ass! Caregivers also suffer many injuries on the job from back injuries to assault wounds from demented or psychotic residents. Let me remind you that this is all for low wages.

The families of the elderly are many times ridiculously cruel to the caregivers. They look down on them, and attack them about the care being provided to their parents. While the quality of care is of utmost importance, how much can you expect from a person you are paying $8.16 per hour. Although it is important to pursue bigger goals, caregivers do work to make a living. It is depressing to go to work everyday for barely anything. On top of low wages, caregivers wear many hats, especially in assisted living homes.

I was a caregiver at a senior living community and I made $9.50 per hour. One morning I worked the second floor and one caregiver called in. On the second floor there were about 30 residents; We had two caregivers. Residents had to be provided incontinence care, showered, dressed, assisted with oral care, make up, and combing hair, etc… Each resident had a care plan that needed to be followed, and us two caregivers had to get it done. Then we transported them all to the dining room for breakfast in a timely manner. We had come to work at 7am and the residents had to be in the dining room at 9am sharp. My co worker and I sat at the dining room table assisting residents with meals, and I looked at my watch to see that after all the hard work we had done, only two hours passed.

I looked at my co worker and I said “you know for all that work we just made less than 20 bucks.” She did not smile, In fact she looked how I felt on the inside: depressed. I am currently a student pursuing a nursing degree, but in the meantime I work for a home health agency. Working for this type of company is quite different. I go to people’s homes and provide care for them. I make $9.50 per hour, and I reside in Detroit, MI. Most of my cases are in either Macomb or Northern Oakland County. The company does not pay mileage and hours certainly vary. I take care of people in their homes in many different situations, and families do not turn off just because a caregiver is there.

Racist people are still racist, children are still spanked, and don’t let me forget the arguments, and awkward moments. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I spend more money in gas than I actually make. My guess is that many people take these jobs for lack of finding another, or while they are going to college. How will you or your parent be taken care of when caregivers find better jobs, or graduate from college. My guess is you depend on their lack of success, because someone has to do the dirty work.

Enthusiasm 

Spread your wings 

Fly

Soar with the birds

High

Lift up your head the storm is over 

Goodbye

If you opened your eyes today

No matter the issue

Don’t cry

Don’t complain 

Don’t sulk in bitterness

Don’t sigh

The sun is rising

The darkness is gone

Comply

Embrace every blessing

Tomorrow is not promised

Open your eyes

You can look

But you will not find

Use your mind

Your third eye.

A prayer.

I don’t know what this is that I’m feeling, I hope that its growth, but my stress levels must be to the ceiling. I’m trying to make progress, but my situation is just too delicate. Joy is trying it’s best to leak through my pours, but I bleed from unhealed sores. I’m so numb that I smile, but I can’t cry tears of joy nor pain. I’m stuck in the middle of achievement and destruction; I’m desperate for change, but my past is still haunting me, Oh Lord, I just want to be free. I want to be kind, patient, smart, educated, and beautiful, on the inside I feel cruel, impatient, dumb, uneducated, and ugly. What a project I must be… When I look in the mirror, I fear the woman I am becoming, although I know that if I look deep inside of me I will find SOMEBODY. My jaws are tight, eyes low; Release! Open! Relax. Relax! Relax! I can’t help but to think the end is near, and I am living in fear. I trust You, God! I trust you though, they said a mustard seed, Lord faith the size of a mustard seed will do. Deep down inside it’s there, I believe! I know you will never leave me! I’ll keep walking, I’ll keep talking, I’ll keep trying, because if there is a will there is a way! Bless my family, friends, my man, and this world, This in Jesus’ name I pray.

 

Amen.

 

Deep in despair

I been walking around with my head down like the sun ain’t gone shine again. I been sulking in my pain, l been literally going insane like I don’t know that a rainbow comes after the rain. I been feeling sorry for myself, I been deteriorating my own health, I been holding back from me, and I’m overwhelmed with jealousy. I know it’s not right, it’s not even me to envy, but I’m not me anymore. I’m standing outside, unsure of what door to open, I been just sitting around and hoping. What is hope with no effort, what are goals with no work, every time I take a step though it seems like I’m getting hurt, the devil on my back, I just want him off. Stop tempting me, stop attacking me, I want you away from me. I rest my head in a pit of fire, whatever it takes to please my desires. I won’t let you win Lucifer, I won’t acknowledge you. I stomp on you, spit on you, you can’t have me, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ! I just want to live my life!