End of the beginning

These winters bring me down; It is not quite the weather, rather my actions that hold me to shame and cause me to hold my head down. It just so happens to be the season in which I grow older, where I look back over a year, and somehow I grow bolder. 2014 comes to an end, and I just turned 25, I’m still living the same lies. I have so many resolutions that need to be accomplished, yet I have the energy for none. I function by the grace of God, yet on the inside I sulk in my consequences. I have no idea what this new year will bring to me, but I pray it is nothing like the rest. I want to move on and move up, but who is to say that it is not too late, that I have not already chosen my fate? I am a good person I used to tell myself, but truthfully getting to know myself, I beg to differ, and an old image makes no differences. I will bring this year in on mercy, but there is yet a new me rather good or bad, my outlook has changed further in sadness, I blend perfectly with the mad. I portray insanity, it leaks from my pours because that is how my thoughts are rationalized. That is why my thoughts once lead to suicide. I cannot say what I mean, I have no purpose, my soul begs for explanation, I can drown in desperation, I am let down by anticipation. I can talk all day, but at the end of the day things will not change, I am who I am maybe I should except that. I pleasure myself with my thoughts, yet I am terrorized after they are turned into actions. This winter is like no other, I am cold, and like the streets I am heartless, yet like a fool I have a heart, I am half always, half and half, I am only half, I have destroyed me. I have so much ambition that it hurts me to react to I hope I get the chance. On grace and mercy I pray I get the chance. As I reach a peak age, I pray I can stop the pain that I cause myself and others, I pray I develop the ability to make important decisions.

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