Me

Its clear to everyone that I have plenty issues, let me just say I appreciate those that deal with me, I am far from simple, more so difficult. I am majorly depressed, the pain can no longer be suppressed. I know some people do it to get a closer seat to the show, but the true people that remain in my life regardless of my problems, let me thank you. If it wasn’t for the few, I wouldn’t be able to shake this terrible shade of blue. Somedays I am able to put my worries up for later, but when later comes, one turns into two, and I don’t have to explain, its like fame, Up im the lights, blue flame: untamed. Its like pouring rain, never-ending, reminicisting, listing all my guilt, I just won’t listen. I never have, I always have to learn the hard way, I absolutely love the road, I just can’t stand the destination. Though my motives are to getaway, it never happens that way. I always get caught, right where I eventually knew I would, I just really thought, I could do it anyway, just for a while, this will pass… Excuses for myself, I can’t lie to myself, so I beat myself up because that is what I deserve. Karma is my personal Hell. I do not like consequences, my ways are questionable, I can’t honestly say my heart is in the right place. My intentions are deniable, but may very well be harmful. I can’t truely apologize, I do things because I want to. So I am worthy of repercussions. I can not validate all of my words, sometimes I lie. But, I am more real. I just say how I feel. I laugh when things are real, I appreciate when things are real. I am true to what is real. If everyone and everything was real, I would not be depressed, but how crazy this world is I just want to play. I feel like I can not get away with anything, I feel vulnerable when I try to do the right thing, I feel guilty when I do the wrong thing. But guilt doesn’t stop me, it haunts me. Things temp me, I am not strong-willed. I don’t know why it is so hard for me, but I am not to be relied on for individual strength, nor for personal security. I am insecure, I am afraid. I am always so nervous that I sweat, I hide behind my glasses, hat and scarf, my baggie pants, or the ones that porportion well. If I had it my way I would hide behind make up, I am secretive, yet I will tell you my whole story, and that I don’t even know…one day from the next, how my entire mood can be changed by the delay of a text, how I was raped at eleven, how I have been sexually harrased yet I can’t blame that for my actions. How I have been abused, self conciously I believe you are amused. I continue on and plead my case, now you know it all but you don’t know me. I don’t know what to do with myself, I am concerned about my health, my heart rate is one thirty five, I work in a hospital so I’m a hypochondriac.  I’m thinking stroke. Things like this control my life, I never do what’s right. I have so many habits. I love to fornicate, I love to smoke, I’m mad I can’t drink, I love the hood, I love assumptions of me being a bad girl, and though, I am really so sweet, I love a person that sees that in me, but then again I hate it. Im backwards, I have bad credit. I did everything everbody told me not to. Its like I had to. ….

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