Afternoon freewriting

Just popped two xanis, cant even make a decision on panties. Mind going left, im attempting redirection. I cant let myself fall into this depression. When I feel it coming, I try to think positive, but that doesn’t work. Im trying so hard to slow up the hurt. Im thinking crazy now, im listing all my problems, one blow at a time. Now my head hurts, im nervous, im anxious, im scared, im mad, man all at one time. If im quiet it hurts too much to talk, if I do im trying to let it out. I don’t do tears, but im enslaved by my fears. They control me. They control my mood, they control my emotions, they control my life. The one thing that I really do want to get right. These feelings I have…they are not right. I am unstable, but ive disabled the panic button, I just take these pills and pray they make me stable. I can’t slip into my feelings, I have to supress. That is the best way to get through today. And I have to take it one day at a time. Today is tough to get through, I can only cheer when I get to the next.

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